This has been the most life-changing year. I could talk forever about what made this year special. When it started I was lost. Trapped in a loveless relationship, blinders on. I was awoken from my stupor, stopped stumbling after a dream I laid out as a child, and started looking around and being critical of my decisions. I have a million people to thank for the help in my journey, and I have a hell of a lot to say to those people too.
So here it goes. Censorship be damned. I won’t be silenced by anyone. Let’s try chronologically, shall we?
Good friends put up with each other’s shit. Good friends do not necessarily make good lovers. Boy am I sick of you. And boy am I glad you’re still around. I love you. You will always have a piece of me. You are special. Please take your life seriously. Please find happiness for yourself. Please don’t stop trying. Thank you for everything. I will never forget us.
You were too good to be true. You saved me. Whether you saved me for me or for you I don’t know. You changed me. You gave me something to be excited about, for the first time in a long time. You blinded me. You commanded me and you praised me. You saw something in me, I’m sure of it. I refuse to believe I wasn’t special to you, although really I know I wasn’t. I’m sorry things are the way they are. I’m sorry you only hear what you want to hear. We had a good run. I hope you stick around. I would miss you. Thank you. You affected my life more than anyone. I hope you felt what I felt. I can still hear you sighing.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be more for you. I’m sorry you wanted something of me that I couldn’t give forever. We disagree on what a lot of things mean. Your intentions were always pure. The sweetness of your words brightened more days than I can say. You made my life livable and you gave me a chance where others wouldn’t. You gave me a lot of things others wouldn’t. I know I will never convince you that you’re wrong, that you did mean something to me until you broke it. I’m sorry that I can’t express this without implying that you wrecked it. I still care about you, I just wish it was easier to be around you. When you would rest your head on my arm I used to feel like I had something precious. Now I flinch when you talk, waiting for the sting that’s sure to follow. If I could take it back I’d do anything not to hurt you.
I didn’t deserve you. We were a brilliant TV series aired on the wrong network at the wrong timeslot. You made me feel warmth again. You made me feel like maybe I didn’t need to change after all, maybe I was alright the way I was. Maybe I wasn’t broken. You gave me unconditional care which was something I was not used to. You’re someone special. I miss you. Between the two of us there were enough butterflies to make up one of those puzzles that make you hate butterflies by the end of it. Take care of yourself, kid. Make sure others treat you right. Find the happy ending you deserve.
I wonder if I ever really understood you. If there were ever a commercial for the naivete of youth, we would be it. I wanted to believe your confession came from heart. Now is the first time that I wonder if it ever did. It’s a shame that you changed so much or, alternatively, that I saw so little. When you told the story of what happened, I wonder if you went for the nostalgia angle (Guys, I finally fucked Donna) or more of a PSA of what too much drinking does (Guys, I fucked Donna even though she got fat). I really don’t care. Have fun, bro. You are not missed.
Our trip was unbelievable in the simplest sense of the word. We created a never ending supply of memories. You were all I had in those times. You and I were one unit. We were family. There’s nothing I regret about taking you or about what we did. You challenged me and you trusted me. Thank you for the experience of the lifetime. With anyone else it would have been just a vacation. With you it was an adventure. Hope the bears don’t give you any trouble tonight.
I’ve joined the ranks of “when it’s right, you just know”. When it comes to you and I, I’ve got nothing to prove. You’ve taught me what it is to be confident and self-assured and you’ve made me far less defensive. You taught me how to take my strength from within myself instead of needing constant social gratification. You’ve given me a future worth having. The best years are no longer behind me, they are ahead of me. You make me believe in fate, because only fate could have saved you for me. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Let’s show the world how to do it right.
I didn’t mean to grow up and I’m sorry I left so suddenly. Most days I feel ok about leaving you with Brian but I worry what will happen if you give up on him. Please don’t give up on him. You are tired. Live in comfort. Live loved. I may be a grown up but I still need you around. You’re an inspiration. We made it, can you believe it? Thanks for believing in me and in us.
To so many others who have played their part, sometimes without even knowing it. Drew, Alisa, Niamh, Olivia, Julie, Sivan, Dad, Dr. Suhail, Donna, Dennis, Lauren, Katie, Chantel, Kathy.
Happy New Year, and good luck competing with this epicness, 2013.
What time is it? 4:28pm
What are you doing? working on my assignment
What do you want most in the world today? job + apartment + food
What has happened recently that made you happy? yesterday I met Paul’s friend Andrew and it was a really cool group dynamic and I had a lot of fun meeting him and seeing his new house and stuff and I wore my new hat so obviously that’s relevant
What has happened recently that made you sad? My car is in the shop. It’s being all weird and not going where I tell it to go and yeah it’s quite sad and that + bad Sandy weather has me stranded in Brantford oh no I have to stay with my boyfriend and not go out how horrible
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? I bought a hat and I wear it and that is very unlike me.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I will still be here but we just decided to make chicken Caeser salad wraps with bacon for dinner tomorrow and so we have that to look forward to mmm food. Also, it is Cheryl’s birthday :o
Or snow men out of cotton balls. Or you come over we have paper and skills to mix brown paint and if you put two hand prints on each side of a foot, it kind of looks like a reindeer
Omg yes I will definitely take you up on that.
Except technically I’m not supposed to get excited or do Christmas stuff until at least November 12 as a personal rule but definitely after that we are so doing that.
The best day of your life and why?
Oh god I’m terrible at this. Ok here are some highlights:
Oh no what happened to your eyebrows?!
No nothing, just I hate them and also there was a huge patch that had grown back and I didn’t notice because I’ve been doing my make up in front of a bathroom mirror lately and not in a hand mirror so I haven’t been looking as closely at my face. And yeah Paul had been right up close looking at me and saying I looked very xyz insert flattery here and then like an hour later I was in the bathroom and I’m like omg but my EYEBROWS. He claims he never noticed but I mean come on.