What time is it? 10:20am
What’s going on? Doing chores mainly. Might dye my hair today, although I’ve been saying that for weeks. I’d also love it if I could get it up enough to work on my novel today. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed.
What do you want most in the world today? A better job I guess, but even that it’s alright if it takes its time.
What has happened recently that made you happy? We woke up before 8:30am and just started doing stuff. I just feel so much better when I am awake in the morning.
What has happened recently that made you sad? Spock died.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Both me and Paul made it out to my mom’s birthday dinner and it was 100% good times family band solution
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I don’t have anything too special going on except PLL OMG OMG OMG ok.
What time is it? 12:03am, wow, is it really? I should go to BED.
What’s going on? Spent most of the day lazing around.. now I’m kind of… puttering around. Just bought two things online from Bluenotes NO ONE STOPPED ME But whatever it was like $11 after discounts. I guess I’m going to bed now?
What do you want most in the world today? A bigger place/more organizational items
What has happened recently that made you happy? Paul gave me this look and I actually cried because no one has ever looked at me like that before… like I was the star of their world, beautiful and funny and radiating happiness. We’re pretty great and sappy.
What has happened recently that made you sad? Didn’t accomplish much today and still feeling sick.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? I told my mom I’d burn her a copy of this audiobook I have, and I finally got around to it today, but I stupidly didn’t consider the fact that’s it’s like five hours long and wouldn’t fit on an 80 minute disc. Worst daughter.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I mentioned to my dad I might to St Catharines but bleh going out.
What time is it? 6:56pm
What’s going on? I went to Hamilton today… to go to the doctor’s. And I had lunch with my mom and then I went to my parents’ house to pick up a couple of bins worth of my stuff, and I sat and had a chat with Brad, that was nice. I’m home now and it’s snowing quite a lot. I’m still pretty sick but it’s manageable. Just organizing a few things and I’m going to attempt to do a small bit of exercising, maybe film a vlog since I am wayyyyyyy behind on my challenge. If all else fails, maybe I’ll get some reading done.
What do you want most in the world today? A slightly more stable income.
What has happened recently that made you happy? Seeing my parents.
What has happened recently that made you sad? I was supposed to see my dad yesterday since it was his birthday but I was too sick to drive; he lives in St Catharines. It was sadtimes.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Tried a half-French Vanilla, half-coffee today. It was only ok. I think I need the ratio to be slightly more in favour of FV.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … we might watch the next Star Trek movie :o
What time is it? 3:46pm
What’s going on? Paul and his dad are out shovelling snow… I’ve been trying (and failing) to reach my doctor. I talked to my mom and she and I came up with a game plan. I’m just throwing a couple of updates into my queue and then I think I’m going to read.
What do you want most in the world today? A desk. Yeah, still no desk. It’s just been really bad timing for us.
What has happened recently that made you happy? Been cuddled up all day just like I imagined, watching S2 of FRIENDS mostly today.
What has happened recently that made you sad? We have been eating and eating and nothing can cure these munchies, it’s really frustrating.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? My sister Alice got Facebook! It’s going to be tough having those 13-year-old-type posts appear all the time but it’s worth it to be able to communicate with her and be filled on on what’s going on with her.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … is mine and Paul’s 6 months! :D But I work 9am-5pm booooo.
What time is it? 12:09pm
What’s going on? (*new question*) I was supposed to hang out with Jessica today but I haven’t heard from her yet. I exercised this morning and I was super proud of myself. Going to be doing grown up things all day until/unless I hear from Jessica i.e. baking, laundry, cleaning, making appointments.
What do you want most in the world today? A desk
What has happened recently that made you happy? Exercised two days in a row after a week an half of nothing. I am le proud.
What has happened recently that made you sad? I miss my mom
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Jessica just texted me, she is sick :( Also, I got off my butt and applied to college today, something I never thought I’d be back doing. I still don’t know for sure if I want to go but today was the deadline and I might just drop it eventually… I have until September. I should probably look into deposits and drop deadlines and stuff but for today I have done enough.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I work 9am-5pm which is actually the worst shift. It’s great for a desk job, but not for standing. It’s like the whole day. The sleeping in isn’t worth staying until dark. WORST. It’s the new supervisor. She’s fucking shit up. Just taking all the shit and fucking it all.
This has been the most life-changing year. I could talk forever about what made this year special. When it started I was lost. Trapped in a loveless relationship, blinders on. I was awoken from my stupor, stopped stumbling after a dream I laid out as a child, and started looking around and being critical of my decisions. I have a million people to thank for the help in my journey, and I have a hell of a lot to say to those people too.
So here it goes. Censorship be damned. I won’t be silenced by anyone. Let’s try chronologically, shall we?
Good friends put up with each other’s shit. Good friends do not necessarily make good lovers. Boy am I sick of you. And boy am I glad you’re still around. I love you. You will always have a piece of me. You are special. Please take your life seriously. Please find happiness for yourself. Please don’t stop trying. Thank you for everything. I will never forget us.
You were too good to be true. You saved me. Whether you saved me for me or for you I don’t know. You changed me. You gave me something to be excited about, for the first time in a long time. You blinded me. You commanded me and you praised me. You saw something in me, I’m sure of it. I refuse to believe I wasn’t special to you, although really I know I wasn’t. I’m sorry things are the way they are. I’m sorry you only hear what you want to hear. We had a good run. I hope you stick around. I would miss you. Thank you. You affected my life more than anyone. I hope you felt what I felt. I can still hear you sighing.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be more for you. I’m sorry you wanted something of me that I couldn’t give forever. We disagree on what a lot of things mean. Your intentions were always pure. The sweetness of your words brightened more days than I can say. You made my life livable and you gave me a chance where others wouldn’t. You gave me a lot of things others wouldn’t. I know I will never convince you that you’re wrong, that you did mean something to me until you broke it. I’m sorry that I can’t express this without implying that you wrecked it. I still care about you, I just wish it was easier to be around you. When you would rest your head on my arm I used to feel like I had something precious. Now I flinch when you talk, waiting for the sting that’s sure to follow. If I could take it back I’d do anything not to hurt you.
I didn’t deserve you. We were a brilliant TV series aired on the wrong network at the wrong timeslot. You made me feel warmth again. You made me feel like maybe I didn’t need to change after all, maybe I was alright the way I was. Maybe I wasn’t broken. You gave me unconditional care which was something I was not used to. You’re someone special. I miss you. Between the two of us there were enough butterflies to make up one of those puzzles that make you hate butterflies by the end of it. Take care of yourself, kid. Make sure others treat you right. Find the happy ending you deserve.
I wonder if I ever really understood you. If there were ever a commercial for the naivete of youth, we would be it. I wanted to believe your confession came from heart. Now is the first time that I wonder if it ever did. It’s a shame that you changed so much or, alternatively, that I saw so little. When you told the story of what happened, I wonder if you went for the nostalgia angle (Guys, I finally fucked Donna) or more of a PSA of what too much drinking does (Guys, I fucked Donna even though she got fat). I really don’t care. Have fun, bro. You are not missed.
Our trip was unbelievable in the simplest sense of the word. We created a never ending supply of memories. You were all I had in those times. You and I were one unit. We were family. There’s nothing I regret about taking you or about what we did. You challenged me and you trusted me. Thank you for the experience of the lifetime. With anyone else it would have been just a vacation. With you it was an adventure. Hope the bears don’t give you any trouble tonight.
I’ve joined the ranks of “when it’s right, you just know”. When it comes to you and I, I’ve got nothing to prove. You’ve taught me what it is to be confident and self-assured and you’ve made me far less defensive. You taught me how to take my strength from within myself instead of needing constant social gratification. You’ve given me a future worth having. The best years are no longer behind me, they are ahead of me. You make me believe in fate, because only fate could have saved you for me. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Let’s show the world how to do it right.
I didn’t mean to grow up and I’m sorry I left so suddenly. Most days I feel ok about leaving you with Brian but I worry what will happen if you give up on him. Please don’t give up on him. You are tired. Live in comfort. Live loved. I may be a grown up but I still need you around. You’re an inspiration. We made it, can you believe it? Thanks for believing in me and in us.
To so many others who have played their part, sometimes without even knowing it. Drew, Alisa, Niamh, Olivia, Julie, Sivan, Dad, Dr. Suhail, Donna, Dennis, Lauren, Katie, Chantel, Kathy.
Happy New Year, and good luck competing with this epicness, 2013.