What time is it? 1:36am
What are you doing? making flashcards and not at a fast pace at all because I can’t concentrate (wru Concerta, ugh I should be better at buying drugs). Perhaps I will get a popsicle to help. Hmm.
What do you want most in the world today? her, here next to me.
Last thing you ate? I went and got a popsicle from the freezer. It’s purple.
What has happened recently that made you happy? studying coding isn’t as life ruining as studying crypto was because there is less pressure to do well but it is also less interesting and my notes are from last year before I had my colour-coded highlighting system in place so they’re really hard to read
What has happened recently that made you sad? this week is dumb
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Rick and I got in a big fight at the grocery store because he is an incredible douche but he got over it by the produce section but he didn’t apologize or anything and just started being normal so I kept making passive aggressive comments down all the aisles because I am a bitch like that and he never apologizes for making a scene or for being rude to me.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … is a full, no-nonsense studying day for coding so that Thursday can just be review of the tough parts
What time is it? 5:41pm
What are you doing? making flashcards for my next exam
What do you want most in the world today? This week to be over.
Last thing you ate? popcorn
What has happened recently that made you happy? I forgot that I had cleaned my room (ish) so it’s been much easier to move around in here and put away laundry and stuff. It makes a big difference to my mood, idk why.
What has happened recently that made you sad? exam went only ok, arm still hurts but not enough to be justified in going to the doctor, I’m guessing due to painkillers and the fact that I know what aggravates it now and have stopped doing those things. I just know I’ll wake up tomorrow and it’ll be the same. Just enough to make me not be able to do stuff but not so much that a doctor visit is necessary. I’m exhausted. I miss Wu. Rick is an asshole. Everything is terrible essentially and I am in the worst mood. I haven’t been this upset in a while. I wasn’t even this upset when Rick told me he was glad he wasn’t with me anymore.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Well the exam was really short, I was hoping for more material because I do know a lot of stuff but I also don’t know quite a bit. I need 30 marks out of the 43 that I filled in, in order to pass the course. I know a few are wrong, after looking things up, so maybe like 40 more are up for grabs. Or hopefully the professor likes my boobs or feels bad for me and will bump me up if I am short a few. That would be nice. I feel so sick about it, I can’t come back here in the fall, I honestly can’t, and I don’t want to downgrade to general math because I will just feel like such a failure. I mean, that’s what I’ll have to do obviously but it will be so shit, I won’t be proud of it even a little and all of this will have been for nothing. It will be especially hard after watching everyone graduate this June that went to Mac for math. Which is maybe what I should have done.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I’ll go to the doctor’s in the morning if my arm still hurts and if I have it in me to get out of bed at all.
What time is it? 1:28pm
What are you doing? this is more of a check in than anything else. I’m studying right now but realized that my queue is almost out, so I’m just popping in to say hello and I will reappear Thursday at the latest.
What do you want most in the world today? This week to be over.
Last thing you ate? toast with pb and b
What has happened recently that made you happy? Had a wonderful time at babytu’s first birthday yesterday, saw many wonderful friends and their faces and of course babytu.
What has happened recently that made you sad? I hate everything that is cryptography currently. Also myself.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Had an emotional moment last night before bed, sort of scared myself a little bit. I don’t know what it means, maybe nothing but it was unexpected and I do not have the time to process that currently so I have put it in my to-do for next week.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … afternoon is my cryptography final that I have to do well on (can’t just barely pass, need probably 60+, too scared to actually calculate, otherwise I don’t graduate class of 2012 hooray isn’t that the least pressured thing you ever heard? The next 7 finals I write will be that way isn’t that just fabulous, haven’t I just put myself in the most bestest position of life I know I am so excited about it. FALSE I am freaking out ok.
So in crypto we learned about this thing called e-cash. Essentially it’s a proposed system to use instead of cash/credit cards/etc. And we learned about a bunch of different methods of how said idea would be implemented.
So I’m going through like countless protocol outlines for payment, deposit, etc. and it’s so annoying because none of these systems are practical or ready for use. Like, basically we’re learning about what they have so far thought of, all the half-baked ideas in this area.
So it’s reallllyyy hard to care about learning things that are essentially useless. I mean really useless, not like “when am I going to need to know this” kind of useless, I mean like actual protocols and systems that cannot be used because they have a major flaw, either in convenience or in security.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING
So there’s this sort of inside joke going on with my faculty about our school newpaper. It’s called the Imprint, and it’s fine. Has what you would expect, decent enough writing. Our faculty itself has a newsletter too, seperate from the Imprint, called mathNEWS. It is the absolute shittiest thing in life. However horrible you think it is, I guarantee it is worse. But it knows that about itself.
And everyone reads it! Mostly out of loyalty but also every week they have profQUOTES, which is what it sounds like. People submit “funny” things their prof says and they get posted. Also it has horrorSCOPES organised by major rather than zodiac sign. Those are pretty much the highlights. There are two lone serious articles, one called Rainbow Mathie, talking about queer issues, and one that is actually about math. But most of all, mathNEWS hates Imprint and never ever stops making fun of it. In every conceivable situation. And we’re all supposed to “hate” it too. I dunno, it’s weird ok.
So in the last day of Crypto (Friday), the professor was talking about Quantum computers being invented, and the slide said this:
Imagine 12 years from now: You pick up a copy of your favourite newspaper, The Imprint, and the headline is:
And then he said: “Well, maybe not. Nobody reads the Imprint.” And he switched forward the slide and it said
Imagine 12 years from now: You pick up a copy of your favourite newspaper, mathNEWS, and the headline is:
And the room exploded. Howling laughter, and applause. So much applause. Cheering. And I mean, ok. I get it. I’ve never heard a professor reference this feud before either, it was pretty funny. But it made several people’s entire year, clearly. And it’s not even a good joke omg. For the last four years I’ve just sort of been going :S at the whole thing.
What time is it? 6:33pm
What are you doing? was trying to do my crypto but I was interrupted by Rick and screaming and crying soon followed and now I’m just trying to calm down so I can do work but I’m so upset I just had to make some words so here I am I guess.
What do you want most in the world today? I just wish I had my own place.
Last thing you ate? popcorn
What has happened recently that made you happy? text from someone special made me stop crying mostly so I am very thankful for that.
What has happened recently that made you sad? Just Rick being generally insane until I get so mad that I have to yell and tell him to tell his story or just leave etc and he’s like “Wow I’m so glad that I’m not with you anymore” and I don’t even know why I care but I’m just so self conscious about being crazy and stuff. And it’s not like I want to be with him (I don’t) but when someone tells you that they’re glad they’re not with you because you’re too crazy it makes you wonder if you’re too crazy to ever be in a functioning relationship or even friendship. And like…I’m finally happy now for the first time in a long time and I just feel like I’m going to ruin it by being so ridiculous and I know it’s stupid because I know it’s Rick who’s being crazy and not me but I just can’t help but wonder if it IS me. I don’t even want to publish this because people do read it and I can’t stand burdening all my friends with my bullshit but if I don’t publish this then I’ll forget this feeling and I don’t want to. Because I have a bad memory and I need to hold on to this hurt so I don’t ever forget what he’s put me through. And now I’m just crying hysterically again and ugh I wish so much that I didn’t care. People do tell me nice things but those people don’t know me as well as he does. No one does. The person who knows me best in the world is the one who dislikes me the most. And that’s such a horrible feeling, I can’t even express.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? On a lighter note I got an 80 on my speech I did on Monday. Pretty good for never having practiced and having wrote it <12 hours before presenting.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I have to finish up this crypto so hopefully I am done crying by then.
What time is it? 12:15am
What are you doing? still plugging away at crypto notes.
What do you want most in the world today? I feel like snuggling up in a bunch of blankets but it’s too hot. Might drag out the fan just to make it cold enough in here.
Last thing you ate? tuna sandwich yo
What has happened recently that made you happy? things idk why are you so nosey omg
What has happened recently that made you sad? I’m a silly human.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Well something I didn’t expect about going off the pill is that, ever since I shut off the 11pm reminder on my phone, I no longer realize when it is approaching bedtime. Just looked at the clock like WHOA.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I am going to meet someone and trick them into thinking I am a sane person who can maintain healthy friendships.
What time is it? 12:47am
What are you doing? reviewing crypto notes, watching Friends, talking with my newest friend :)
What do you want most in the world today? my own apartment!
Last thing you ate? made stir fry for dinner.
What has happened recently that made you happy? this conversation is quite pleasant and smiley for me.
What has happened recently that made you sad? Realized what a bad student I am: Rick thought coding was due tomorrow since I was working on it tonight. I guess Donna starting an assignment = must be due the next day. He spent all night on it and was almost done and was like “why aren’t you taking so many breaks omg” and I’m like uh maybe because it’s not due for like 8 days. Am I that bad?
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Been weirdly tired all day considering I got more than 8 hours sleep last night.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I have a feeling we might be asking Matt to hang out on Thursday since none of us have class. So that might mean a total apartment cleaning, hm.
What time is it? 5:38pm
What are you doing? letting myself relax for once. Should start work on my assignments though but I’m all distracted and happy right now
What do you want most in the world today? pizza. cuddles. salty things. pop. maybe like a hot tub or pool or something idk. THINGS.
Last thing you ate? cheese and crackers
What has happened recently that made you happy? Rick and I sat down and had another very adult talk about moving on and he thanked me because he said I was right and that we weren’t in love any more and he’s excited to date and stuff and we talked about timelines and agreed to not do anything until we become facebook unofficial, and then we talked about procedure for bringing people around the apartment and stuff and it was so nice and we were so happy.
What has happened recently that made you sad? I like to think that I’m cool but I’m not, HOW DOES ONE BE COOL I need to know because of reasons. Also I didn’t get any pie because the line was long and I had a class in 20 minutes. No pie on pi day, what is this even.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Rick is an adult.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I have no classes so I will be being very productive and cleaning and if I can do enough and if it’s nice out I might treat myself to Starbucks because I said I would get to go if I got 60+ on my crypto midterm but I only got 54. BUT I did get 88 on coding and that is much higher than I expected so I think I sort of half deserve it. /rant
What time is it? 9:47pm
What are you doing? just finished dinner, going to do a bit of work on both speech and vlog
What do you want most in the world today? more time to read and sleep
Last thing you ate? dinner: chicken burgers and fries
What has happened recently that made you happy? we told Matt about our break up today and he was like wutreally and told us that he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years a few weeks ago too. So everything is cool and now we all have more in common hooray
What has happened recently that made you sad? Dragged myself out of bed (late) and rushed to crypto, only to find that just the first 15 minutes was new material, the rest was basic number theory and group theory which I am more than familiar with, and my phone gets no reception in that room so I was very bored and I had to look super awake because Matt was sleeping beside me and Rick often answers questions and so a lot of attention was already being drawn to our area.
What happened recently that you didn’t expect? Rick is being really normal about what happened this weekend, save that one minor outburst. Still joking about it but it’s not in a rude way. I cannot believe that. Like, can I actually do shit now because that would be amazing omg.
Finish this sentence: Tomorrow … I will be uploading a new vlog to avoid being slapped by mrstu. Or worse.